I can't breathe again. It's been a month and he's already moved on. How do I do this? How do I get through this? I knew he was going to but there's now a ringing inside my ears and I didn't know it'd be so soon and I just can't understand why some people can just unlove while it takes others so long to just forget the sound of their voice
Short answer: because everyone is different. You’ll survive this.
Caught Ill Again
I find you nursing a headache
at the kitchen table.
I say headache,
I mean heartache.
You’re lonely and getting lonelier.
And what can I do?
That is not rhetorical.
What’s there to do?
I kiss you ‘til you’re shaking,
but not in the good way.
I do not mention the mess
(by which I mean the kitchen,
by which I mean you.)
I don’t cry even when I want to,
but I rock you lullaby when you do.
I let the silence have you
against my better judgement.
I don’t ask why
because there is no why.
There is only you,
taken ill again, smaller than ever,
suffering as inconspicuously as you can.
Little shoulders, little sobs,
my little bird, losing sleep again.
May you come home,
may you come happy,
may you come whole.
I'm worried this will come across as harsh, but it's not okay. If somebody wants to leave, you have to let them leave, no matter how hard it is. It is not okay to try to pursue a relationship with somebody who has made it clear they no longer want to. It's not okay for you to do that to somebody, to put them through that. You don't get to decide their course, and you don't get to try and convince them to change. That is not you're right, it is not your place. You have to let them go.
I know you've answered so much of this sort, and eventually, you may stop. I get it clutters your feed, but I have to know, if you will have the goodness to indulge me: is it ever okay to chase him? Even when he's left, and he's left without saying anything or saying goodbye? Is it okay to do whatever it takes to find him, after fending yourself off for 24 long hours? And if that's not okay, when is it ever? I don't mean to put responsibility on you. But I do trust your opinion.
It depends what you mean by okay. Of course it’s ‘okay’ in the general sense of the word. You are an individual and only you get to decide the course of action you take. If you want to chase him, chase him. That is your prerogative. You are entitled to do as you please, and to do as you heart instructs you. However, is it okay that you are chasing someone who is running away from you? Is it okay that you are selling yourself short? Is it okay that you’re standing in your own way? It is okay that you are preventing change, which could be positive, from occurring because you are too scared to let go of someone who wants to be let go? Is it okay that you need to ask someone’s advice when secretly you already know the answer? Is it okay that anyone should make you work so hard for them?
No, it is not okay. Listen, you’re never going to convince anyone to love you. And you shouldn’t have to. And you shouldn’t want to. Because, trust me, there is someone out there you won’t need to.
What do you do when the person you are in love with doesn't love you back?
Leave. Always leave.
Truth is, I don’t want your soft. Your tender. Your merry-go-round type love with all the same scenery. I want to be opened up. Your fingernails at my naval. Your teeth on my throat. On the throb of my pulse. I want you starving. Want you on your last legs. Want you hungry for blood. It’s not pretty. It’s not the kind of thing you tell your friends about. It’s the kind of thing that, once over, you come back normal, as if awakening from a dream in which you have been spoon-fed your every shameful desire. Why? You ask why. You ask why I need this from you, why your mouth-on-mouth, hips-meet-hips is not enough. There is no clear answer. I tell you I want to jump off cliffs with you. I want to find proof of other inhabitable planets. I want to know I’m really here. These are not answers; these are my poor attempts at explanation. These are the closest I can get to verbalizing the need. The thing that beats its fists inside me. That roars. That spits. That makes idle threats. The closest I can get:
I want to forget we are human. And that it is not enough.
I have not been present here much lately. I wish I were. I wish I were writing, but I am very still inside and it won’t come. I don’t know what this post is for. It’s not to say I’m taking a break from Tumblr, or from writing, but just to explain why I have been quieter in recent weeks. I am hoping that when the poetry returns, it will stay for a while and it won’t shut up.